


They're Good For Your Heart

by muhreenah



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dialogue-Only, M/M, One Shot, rating for the mildest of language, two dumbs being dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 05:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10326512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muhreenah/pseuds/muhreenah
Summary: Arguments, wendigos, and a surprising amount of beans. Just another week in Beacon Hills.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Dialogue is hard to write, but Sterek is so, so easy.

**Monday**

  
  


“Put them back, Stiles.”

 

“Okay, I knew you’d say that, but here’s the thing: I  _ really need _ them.”

 

“In what scenario do you  _ really need _ seven different kinds of canned beans?”

 

“There’s this incredible thing called ‘the scientific method’; you should try it sometime. I, on the other hand, am a seasoned practitioner. I don’t need to explain myself to the likes of you.”

 

“...Stiles.”

 

“Ugh, fine. Okay, so in the event of an apocalypse, canned foods are going to be our go-to survival food, obviously, so I need to conduct several taste tests with the rest of the pack. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to eat gross beans for the rest of my life. I figure green beans are going to be a favorite, black beans are versatile, garbanzo remind me of that show with clowns and dust bunnies, kidney beans sound gross so Isaac will definitely hate them (but I’m thinking Erica will love them on principle), lima beans made me think of Peru-”

 

“Stiles. Beans aren’t going to be our only option. You don’t need to buy seven cans of beans.”

 

“But what if they  _ are _ , Derek? What if all the fuzzy, delicious animals are infected with a zombie virus and start hunting _us_? So then we have to be vegetarians, only the edible plants and nuts and berries and, heaven forbid,  _ Twinkies _ disappear, and all we’re left with is canned beans like the vaqueros of old and possibly now? You cannot honestly tell me that you wouldn’t eventually get tired of them and resort to finding delicious meat to eat and then end up eating me because  _ I’m _ meat and then hate yourself for like the sourwolf you are. I’m sparing you the additional self-loathing with a simple experiment to find the best-tasting bean. You can’t argue with that logic.”

 

“Beans aren’t on the shopping list.”

 

“I give you an award-worthy explanation and that’s all you’ve got for me? Really? Since when is The List the deciding factor of what we can or cannot buy?”

 

“Since Lydia will literally rip my balls off if we go over the grocery budget again this month.”

 

“...fair point. Fine, you win. Science can wait.”

 

“How considerate of you.”

 

“But only until next week. You’d better believe that beans are going on the list next week.”

 

“ _ Sigh _ .”

 

“Dude, did you just say ‘sigh’ instead of sighing?”

 

“...”

 

"Derek, are you _smiling_?"

 

___________

 

 

**Tuesday**

  
  


“Wendigos just seem really tame, you know?”

 

“They feed on human flesh.”

 

“I mean, yeah, but just compared to everything else we’ve been fighting recently, they just seem...lazy.”

 

“...Lazy.”

 

“We’ve already fought them before, so we know how to kill them already, and I guess it’s just boring if there’s no research to be done or clocks to race against.”

 

“Are you actually complaining about not having to fight for our lives?”

 

“I’m just saying that I may or may not have grown accustomed to a certain werewolf/adrenaline-filled lifestyle, and I’m the kind of guy that likes routine. I wouldn’t call that complaining, really. Just- okay, maybe I’m complaining. It’s just bad writing!”

 

“Stiles, this is real life. Nobody writes real life.”

 

“Our lives are like Season 10 of Supernatural. We’re used to it. Nothing is surprising anymore. The writers have been switched out so many times they can’t keep track of what’s canon and what’s fan fiction and they’re just beating a dead horse for ratings.”

 

“What the fuck?”

 

“Nevermind, this is getting too meta. Also Scott just texted, apparently he needs some back-up.”

 

___________

 

 

**Wednesday**

 

  
"You need to hold still, I can't wrap the gaping hold in your side unless you stop squirming."

 

“You just HAD to say something, didn’t you?”

 

“Calm your tits, Der, you are not blaming this on me.”

 

"YOUR HEAD WAS ALMOST RIPPED OFF!"

 

"Yes, ha ha, my mouth is so big it's a target - still not my fault."

 

“You’re the one that was complaining that things were too boring! Was tonight exciting enough for you?”

 

“I wouldn’t consider mutant wendigos ‘exciting’. Intriguing, maybe. I mean, they would be if they weren’t trying to kill us. Do you think they'd chill on the whole eating-people agenda long enough to get a hair sample?”

 

“They’re the monster of the week, Stiles, what else did you expect them to do?! Invite us to the movies?!”

 

“Derek, if you wanted to go to the movies you only had to-”

 

“THIS ISN’T FUNNY, STILES. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS A JOKE TO YOU?”

 

“It isn’t- what the hell is your problem?”

 

“You’re not taking this seriously! You’re not a wolf, you could’ve gotten hurt!”

 

“So could Lydia or Allison! Why aren’t you yelling at them?!”

 

“They don’t laugh off near death experiences! They listen to their Alpha!”

 

“...what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

“You disobeyed me. You were supposed to wait until Boyd and I were in position before you got their attention, but  _ no _ , you had to start joking with the  _ soulless cannibal monsters _  as soon as the opportunity presented itself!”

 

“Okay, that one with the moldy arm was giving me a funny look-”

 

“IT WANTED TO EAT YOU.”

 

“-and I’m going to ignore that Alpha comment, but honestly, Derek, what do you expect me to do? Cower in the corner with my fucking bat and wait for help to arrive? Try to use my useless Spark to go all  _ Until Dawn _ on their wendigo asses? Sarcasm is the only weapon I have! I’m sorry if you count that as ‘laughing it off’. Maybe I need some humor to get me through this nightmare of a life, did you think about that?”

 

“You don’t need to fight, you have an entire Pack protecting you!”

 

“So what, I’m just a helpless human? I'm the 50s housewife who just waits at home making dinner for her family? Should I just sit the next fight out?”

 

“Of course not-”

 

“No, I get it. You don't even want me here, do you? You don’t need me around to wrangle Scott since you let Allison join, and the only reason you haven’t kicked me out is because one of the puppies is bribing you on a weekly basis. Who is it, Isaac? Erica? I’ll bet it’s Kira, I knew I liked that girl.”

 

“Stiles, you’re being ridiculous, you’re not-”

 

“But why should I stay if I’m just going to be bait that’s not allowed to fight back? I dunno, man, that sounds like borderline child abuse-”

 

“I- Stiles, you’re 18-”

 

“-and I don’t know if I can handle another _successful fight_ somehow ending in me taking a verbal beating from ' my Alpha' _ ,  _ who should seriously, in fact, be saying THANK YOU for all the research I do and for my brilliantly executed distraction, because face it, mister, you’d be even more of a used chew toy right now-”

 

“DAMN IT, STILES, CAN YOU SHUT UP FOR TWO SECONDS?”

 

“...yes, as a matter of fact, I can. I’m done with your bandages. Don't get them wet.”

 

“Stiles, wait, I didn’t mean- Stiles, come back!”

  
  


___________

  
  


**Thursday**

 

 

_ Obviously I’m too busy being awesome to answer the phone right now, so tell me why you called and I’ll get back to you when I can! If this is Dad, I’m doing homework at Scott’s. _

 

“Call me.”

 

___

 

_ Obviously I’m too busy being awesome to answer the phone right now, so tell me why you called and I’ll get back to you when I can! If this is Dad, I’m doing homework at Scott’s. _

 

“Look, I’m. Sorry about yesterday. I was tired and angry because of the fight. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. You know that I- we need you. We need the rational one in a group full of muscle to actually strategize and put us back together after every fight. You’ve got to know by now that we need you. Right? Come on, Stiles. I’ll even put up with your lame jokes.”

 

___

  
  


_ Obviously I’m too busy being awesome to answer the phone right now, so- _

 

"Stiles, you’re missing the Pack meeting. Everyone told me didn’t go to school today. Stop sulking. Where are you? I said I’m sorry. I meant it. I’ll even say it to your face, I promise. Just answer your phone. If I don’t hear from you by 10, I’m calling your dad.”

 

___

  
  


_ You’ve reached Sheriff Stilinski, leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you when I can. _

 

“Hi, sir, this is Derek Hale. Sorry to bother you, but. Uh. Did Stiles stay home from school today? I’m inquiring on behalf of the Pack - he’s been ignoring all our calls and texts. I… _ *ahem* _ we may have had an argument the other day, and knowing Stiles he’s just being stubborn. But I really need to apologize. I said some dumb things and I’d rather not give him time to think about them, since they weren’t true. God, I’m an idiot. So, yeah. I’m sure everything is fine and I’m overreacting, but I’d, uh, feel better just knowing that he’s safe. So, um. Please let me know as soon as you can. Thank you. Sir.”

 

_ ___ _

  
  


_ Obviously I’m too busy being- _

 

“If you get this message before we get to you, call me. I’m so sorry. God, Stiles, just stay alive. There was- that was a lot of blood, and I’m going to pretend it wasn’t yours, so just. Don’t die. Please. I’m coming.”

  
  


___________

  
  


**Friday**

 

“...”

 

“For the first time in my life, I genuinely wish you’d say something.”

 

“...”

 

“This is weird, even for us. We’ve never had a conversation where I’m the one doing all the talking.”

 

“...”

 

“Damn it, Stiles.”

 

“...”

  
  


___________

  
  


**Saturday**

 

“The Sheriff said that the doctors aren’t sure when you’ll wake up. I mean. They said 'if', but I know you. You’re probably dying from having to be still for so long.”

 

“...”

 

“Yeah, poor choice of words. I’m not good with them. Words. You know that.”

 

“...”

 

“But Melissa said talking can help, sometimes. There’ve been cases where the person in the coma is really processing everything happening around them, they just can’t respond. Which is pretty terrifying. I guess that’s how Peter felt.”

 

“...”

 

“I mean, he’s a giant dick, but me and Laura were the ones who left him for dead, huh? I guess I’m the biggest dick of all.”

 

“...”

 

“How sad is it that I finished the dick joke in my head? It was even your voice. I...shit. Stiles, listen. If you can I guess you have been and if not…

 

I know I yell at you more than the others. I’m not good with words. But I’m good at being angry, and...even when I’m more worried than anything else I can only make it sound like anger. No, worried isn’t right. Concerned? Scared out of my fucking mind? 

 

I can’t lose my Pack. I can’t do that again. I know I’m the world’s shittiest Alpha, but- I swear I’m trying. And then when you just jump out of nowhere and put yourself between our family and danger -  _ you _ \- I just...nothing is allowed to happen to you. You aren’t allowed to sacrifice yourself to save any of us. Especially not me. You don't want me to hate myself. Right? And if something happened to you…”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

“ _ Wake up, Stiles. Please _ .”

  
  


___________

  
  


**Sunday**

  
  


“So. Beans.”

 

“You’ve been conscious for maybe an hour after being in a fucking coma and _ that _ is what you want to talk about?”

 

“I mean, we’ve basically been dating for years now. You know, minus the dates. And the kissing. And the acknowledgement of mutual affection. Okay, so we’ve been fighting for years now. But there were feelings involved the _whole time_! And they’re _requited_! Which is, you know, great. So honestly, I don’t know what else there is to say on the subject.”

 

“Maybe the fact that your dad will literally kill me?”

 

“Please, Dad beat you to warning me about the dangers of dating an older man by  _ months _ . And I got The Talk v2.0 a few years ago. Apparently asking if gay guys found me attractive, coupled with the fact that I was hanging out with an older guy who routinely _runs shirtless in the woods_ , kinda set off some alarm bell on the ‘My Kid May Not Be Straight’ Detector. Don’t worry, I’ve already made the case for you. He agreed to only keep one box of wolfsbane bullets in exchange for you having dinner with us every Sunday and/or Thursday and my curfew being reduced to 10:30 until I graduate, which you totally owe me for, by the way.”

 

“So...he’s okay with it?”

 

“With the me liking guys as well as girls, definitely. With the me dating people? He’s relieved. With the whole dating ‘you’ specifically thing? Um. I can definitively say he won’t kill you.”

 

“That doesn’t sound like a ringing endorsement.”

 

“Dude, may I remind you that you two met as he was arresting you for killing your sister? Not to mention the fact that you lead a group of teenagers into battle against supernatural forces on a weekly basis?”

 

“...I guess I should be grateful, then.”

 

“You should be thanking yourself. Apparently, you left  _ quite _ the message for him on Friday.”

 

“Oh no.”

 

“ _ ‘I’d finally be able to sleep at night, just knowing that my one true werewolfy soulmate was safe and sound in my arms! _ ’”

 

“Fuck you, I don’t sound anything like that. And that’s not what I said!”

 

“HA! Smiling negates the expletive!”

 

“Does not.”

 

“Admit it, you  _ loooooove _ me.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You  _ looooo _ \- wait, what?”

 

“I do.”

 

“...”

 

“Speechless at last?”

 

“Gah. Um. Nope. Nuh-uh.”

 

“If I’d known feelings made you shut up, I would’ve done something ages ago.”

 

“Ugh, enough! You don’t get to be cute. Stop that. I’m recovering, and you’re doing weird things to my chest area.”

 

“In that case, I’ll leave you to your beauty sleep. I'll text you later.”

 

“Shit, Der, come back here! BRING ME MY BEANS! I ALMOST DIED, I DESERVE THEM! DEREK!”

**Author's Note:**

> The boys are dumb and this show is dumb. Leave kudos if you agree.


End file.
